Zooming out
After Jesus' ressurection from death he appears to his disciples and present to them (we read in the gospel of John) a "new" theology...
"you must love one another as I have loved you..."
OH geez
Jesus' love includes big words like SACRIFICE UNCONDITIONAL UNLIMITED...
"you must love one another as I have loved you..."
SACRIFICE
UNCONDITIONAL
UNLIMITED
its difficult
a couple of months ago I sort of wondered about this type of Jesus love, being sooo totally different then the Hollywood "love" we get indoctrined by each day...boy meets girl...boy falls in love with girl...boy marries girl...and they live happily ever after...the end...
I asked God to teach me the true meaning of loving with a sacrificial unconditional unlimited heart...and I realized that God answers Truth based requests...and I learned that real love has nothing to do with "falling" and everything to do with "growing"...and I realized that it hurts like hell...
Jesus said he who loves his life shall loose it...
Jesus gave his life for the sake of love...
and I realize how challenging it is to surrender your life (your self, your hopes, your dreams, your opinions) in the name of love...
and I realize how hard you start to fight against the sacrificial unconditional unlimited...
and I realize how much it hurts to love someone who loves someone else...
and I realize how God must cry out to those He loves but who loves other gods...
was it William Shakespear who wrote: "the course of true love never did run smooth..."
Jesus told his disciples that they would be hated by the world but that if they kept their focus on him, joy and peace would flood out of them no matter what happened...
and I realized that I am trying to fight a battle all by myself,
so now I look up to the heavens, where shall my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord...
Zooming in
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Because I can...
YESTERDAY is HISTORY...TOMORROW is a MISTERY...TODAY is a GIFT (AND THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE PRESENT)
It’s icy cold.
The ghostly eco’s of our footsteps are the only sound accompanying us into the wards of an institution in Zimbabwe. The gray corridors are home to over 300 spiritually disturbed patients.
As we walk closer and closer to where the patients are kept, I feel the definite presence of change. After today, I will never be the same.
Of this I am strangely certain.
The hollow silence retreat to make room for the moaning and complaining of sadness and desperation...a weird kind of unknown loneliness that softly wails...
It presses in on the very core of my soul...
In my mind I am standing in front of the thrown of the Almighty Father asking:
Why God? Why do you want me to see something I cannot change?
A familiar voice surfaces from my memory.
“What drives the choices you make?”
My eye catches a man sitting next to what appears to be his wife. She hugs herself while swaying back and forward. Her face is blank. Tears shining in his eyes.
My thoughts travel...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sitting on the kitchen counter. Swinging my legs.
It’s about 10 PM but the rest of the outreach team is already asleep. It’s been an exhausting day; guys working on the roof, ladies helping out at a nearby old age home. Still I’m not ready to sleep...my mind is still racing around. I keep staring at the red and black checker floor, drawing the outlines of the squares with my eyes...
The little blocks are like little boxes...
(When we were little we always played a game where we were not allowed to touch the lines with our feet...stay in the lines...those were the rules.)
Walking up and down with your hands behind your back like a professor.
“What do you do with the feelings God placed in your heart?”
“What are the choices you make?”
Little blocks...little boxes...stay in the lines...
Choice. Chance. Choke.
I’m scared to take chances. It’s a risky business.
You pause, as if waiting for me to say something...
“What do you think of my theory?”
I can’t answer...
Little blocks...little boxes...who drew the lines?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The shrieking and howling of an animal fills the hallway of the institution and snaps me out of my own thoughts...
But, it’s not an animal making the vicious sounds...
It’s a child.
The little boy’s lips quiver constantly as if he is very cold...he scratches in frantic protest at the bandages around his wrists, where the stitches keep everything in place. The boy howls again...he is the size of a seven year old but his face is distorted with lines and twists like a person of 120...Smeagle? I wait for him to mutter “my precious” but he doesn’t.
I don’t want to look, but I can’t help but stare...
This is a human being...
How did this happen?
Why this little boy and not me?
Why God? Why do you want to agonize me with situations I cannot solve?
Why am I seeing this?
“Be true to yourself...”
“Stop running away...”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Being true to yourself...”
You break the silence, when I don’t say anything...
I quickly glance up, accidently catch the deepness...
I see too much...I understand too little...
Just look away...
Risk. Pain. Fear.
little blocks...little boxes...stay inside the lines...
It’s easier to stay silent...
It’s easier to ignore...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A train of four woman walk by our group.
They seem as if in a drug trace, like Hypnotised zombies....slow even movements, dead expressions...It’s the drugs. Drugs they have to drink to keep them from being violent, from acting out the pain and imbalance they feel...Drugs that keep them empty.
Empty nothingness...
They’ve lost their choice...
No choice...
No chance...
Hell...
Into another room we walk, a woman jumps up and down up and down, no standing still, up and down...when she sees us, she runs to the corner and hides her face...
She runs and hides.
Run and hide.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year, I was reading the book of Deuteronomy and I came across a piece of scripture where God was giving the Israelites a choice.
Deuteronomy 30:19
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live...
God gives us a choice.
Everyday.
In every situation.
The choice to take chances and live.
Or to be scared and never live...
He emphasises...choose life!!! So that you may live!!!
Still after God spoke these words so clearly to them they chose to be fearful and to complain...
To be senseless...
To run and hide...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In that place. That cold lonely mental institution slam dunk in the middle of Buluwayo, Zimbabwe, where the patients have to sleep on the icy cold floor with a single blanket, because they don’t have enough funding, where there are no working toilets, only pee pots lined next to where those people have to sleep, where they have no hot water, only icy cold, where they have to be kept heavily drugged, because they don’t have the necessary staff for therapy, where they have nothing to do all day but wander around, where they have lost their dignity, where they have lost their choice, those people who will most likely never ever be able to really live and laugh and love...
I realised how I still run and hide...
Even when I am capable of so much more...
I choose to stay drugged and senseless and empty because it’s safer...
I choose to do nothing with the chances and feelings God himself placed in my heart...
Because then, I cannot hurt...
Because in LA-LA land there exists no risks...
Fear is a drug...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You jump onto the kitchen counter next to me.
Chatting away about your theory.
Although I love listening to you when you talk, I can’t hear what you are saying because of my own loud thoughts...
Being true to myself is so risky...
Choosing to live can hurt so deeply...
I’m so freaking scared...
And then,
A whisper in my heart. Directed to my soul.
“Trust Me My daughter...remember the cross”
Huh, ummm, God? Was that You? I silently call...a bit shocked coz I heard Him so clearly...
“Remember the cross”
My mind clicks to the cross, to Jesus choosing to die so that I can live...to Good Friday, the day we celebrate and remember the cross...remember...
I get it!!!
Remember the cross, damn, I remember Good Friday...
(and all this happens while you are still talking)
Slowly illogical peace fills my being...
The peace that surpasses all understanding...
Choosing to live is risky...
Choosing not to run and hide can be painful...
(Your eyes reveal a lot about you, even when you’re trying to hide...did you know?)
Peacefulness...
I don’t wanna run away anymore...even though I have no idea what’s going to happen...even though I don’t know how this story will end...
“I’m tired,” you say “think it’s time I go to sleep.”
I jump off the kitchen counter,
Little blocks...little boxes...oopz, my feet touched the lines...
But it’s okay...I’m gonna choose life...
BECAUSE I CAN
Friday, June 19, 2009
Two minute noodles...
Coz your Hot n your cold, your yes and your no, you’re in then you’re out, you’re up then you’re down...”
My ringtone eco’s across the living room.
“Yellow!!!” I answer all cheery.
“Um, Hi.” the voice on the other side sounds young and determined. “Could I possibly steal a moment of your time?”
UUUUURG, I’m thinking, not another insurance company person, trying to sell me life insurance or some sort of policy for some sort of benefit of some sort...damn! But, me being weak when it comes to saying no to people replies (with much less cheeriness):
“Sure thing, shoot...” And that’s exactly what she does...
She’s a young girl, recently finished school, not selling insurance (or, well, I don’t think it’s her intention to try to sell insurance...)
“My name is Mari,” she says the name of some local Ministry (I’m leaving out the name coz I really don’t wanna get sued) and then she shoots.
“I’m calling you today to hear if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ?”
Holy piñata, thinks I, but I try to sound normal...
“ummm,” I make an outstretched thinking noise, coz I’m dumb strucked. Didn’t know this kind of thing actually happened in real life, I thought it was just some kind of holywood rumour or something...
Now, the girl really gets exited coz I didn’t hang up the phone...
“blah blah blah...all people are born in sin blah blah blah...can only be saved through accepting Jesus...yada yada yada if not...yada yada...burn in eternal hell...”
“Hell, that’s hectic.” I say, more because of what she’s doing then because of what she’s saying...
She takes it as the cue to proceed to the next step (after mentioning the burning flames of hell a couple of more times)
“Would you like to get saved? Would you like me to pray the sinner’s prayer with you?”
“Damn...” I say, still pretty shocked.
WHAAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MAM
I really hate the term “EVANGELISM” and his little friends “evangelise” and “evangelist.”
It sounds like some kind of instant-microwave-machine...
“Okay Benny, get into the “evangeliser” watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy...”
The person pops out on the other end, all shiny and ready to go spread the word...
Like a freaking car wash...
“Thank you, drive safely and please call again.” YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!
And again our aim is off, instead of hitting our target we hit something rare flying by (killing it)
APPLAUSE
The term “evangelism” comes from the Greek "euaggelidzo" meaning:
“I bring good news.”
GOOD NEWS. GOOD NEWS. GOOD NEWS.
So how GOOD is the NEWS, when we phone up or walk up to some stranger (a person we do not know anything about) and say: "repent O thee sinner, or thee shall be smiteth with thine fires of hell."
GOOD NEWS????????????????????????????
DAMN!!!
I recently read a book titled “They like Jesus but not the church” written by a really cool pastor guy Dan Kimball...eye opener.
In the book somewhere, he tells of an experience he had one day waiting at the airport. So this dude walks by wearing a t-shirt saying "Jesus is the way, the Truth and the Light" on the front. Cool, I can live with that. But then this dude turns around and what he proclaims on the back of this shirt will scare Billy Graham into Buddhism (okay, not really, I'm being dramatic...but wait for it)
“Islam is a lie!” “Homosexuality is a sin!” “Abortion is murder!”
Dan walks up to the dude and asks him to tell him more about the info he is throwing in other people’s faces...Dan asks him if he doesn’t think he is offending alot of people...the boy replies “It is each and every Christians job to spread the message...to evangelise the nations.”
WHAT MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING BY DOING STUFF LIKE THIS??????
GOOD NEWS??? HATE??? HELL???
HELL!!!
JESUS LOVES YOU (BUT...)
thats not THE WAY thats a NO WAY!!!!
Back to Mari and her sinners prayer (another concept I’m still not so sure about, but that’s another story.)
In Mathew 28:19 Jesus tells his disciples to go into the nations and make more disciples and teach them...
Disciple: Somebody who believes in and follows the teachings of a leader...in other words a student, a scholar, a learner, a devotee...
To make a disciple, to teach somebody doesn’t mean you walk up to some random person and stuff it down his or her throat...
How are you being a teacher?
How is that person being a student?
(If he or she is offended by what you’re throwing in their faces)
Where is the relationship?
Jesus discipled through relationship!!! He didn’t hand out flyers or wore a stupid t-shirt or phoned people up...randomly,
We as the church, we as Christians should really stop puking our christianese on random passerby’s and walk away and think it’s okay...IT IS NOT OKAY!!
The term “Evangelism” (and what we think it means) doesn’t appear in the Bible once.
NOT ONCE!
Ministry is born out of intimacy...
Relationship with the Holy Spirit...
Relationship with other people...
No judgement, or superiority, or manipulation, or threats with hell...
LOVE, TIME, FRIENDSHIP, KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING
There is no such thing as an instant Christian...
People are not 2 minute noodles...
(yuck)
My ringtone eco’s across the living room.
“Yellow!!!” I answer all cheery.
“Um, Hi.” the voice on the other side sounds young and determined. “Could I possibly steal a moment of your time?”
UUUUURG, I’m thinking, not another insurance company person, trying to sell me life insurance or some sort of policy for some sort of benefit of some sort...damn! But, me being weak when it comes to saying no to people replies (with much less cheeriness):
“Sure thing, shoot...” And that’s exactly what she does...
She’s a young girl, recently finished school, not selling insurance (or, well, I don’t think it’s her intention to try to sell insurance...)
“My name is Mari,” she says the name of some local Ministry (I’m leaving out the name coz I really don’t wanna get sued) and then she shoots.
“I’m calling you today to hear if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ?”
Holy piñata, thinks I, but I try to sound normal...
“ummm,” I make an outstretched thinking noise, coz I’m dumb strucked. Didn’t know this kind of thing actually happened in real life, I thought it was just some kind of holywood rumour or something...
Now, the girl really gets exited coz I didn’t hang up the phone...
“blah blah blah...all people are born in sin blah blah blah...can only be saved through accepting Jesus...yada yada yada if not...yada yada...burn in eternal hell...”
“Hell, that’s hectic.” I say, more because of what she’s doing then because of what she’s saying...
She takes it as the cue to proceed to the next step (after mentioning the burning flames of hell a couple of more times)
“Would you like to get saved? Would you like me to pray the sinner’s prayer with you?”
“Damn...” I say, still pretty shocked.
WHAAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MAM
I really hate the term “EVANGELISM” and his little friends “evangelise” and “evangelist.”
It sounds like some kind of instant-microwave-machine...
“Okay Benny, get into the “evangeliser” watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy...”
The person pops out on the other end, all shiny and ready to go spread the word...
Like a freaking car wash...
“Thank you, drive safely and please call again.” YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!
And again our aim is off, instead of hitting our target we hit something rare flying by (killing it)
APPLAUSE
The term “evangelism” comes from the Greek "euaggelidzo" meaning:
“I bring good news.”
GOOD NEWS. GOOD NEWS. GOOD NEWS.
So how GOOD is the NEWS, when we phone up or walk up to some stranger (a person we do not know anything about) and say: "repent O thee sinner, or thee shall be smiteth with thine fires of hell."
GOOD NEWS????????????????????????????
DAMN!!!
I recently read a book titled “They like Jesus but not the church” written by a really cool pastor guy Dan Kimball...eye opener.
In the book somewhere, he tells of an experience he had one day waiting at the airport. So this dude walks by wearing a t-shirt saying "Jesus is the way, the Truth and the Light" on the front. Cool, I can live with that. But then this dude turns around and what he proclaims on the back of this shirt will scare Billy Graham into Buddhism (okay, not really, I'm being dramatic...but wait for it)
“Islam is a lie!” “Homosexuality is a sin!” “Abortion is murder!”
Dan walks up to the dude and asks him to tell him more about the info he is throwing in other people’s faces...Dan asks him if he doesn’t think he is offending alot of people...the boy replies “It is each and every Christians job to spread the message...to evangelise the nations.”
WHAT MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING BY DOING STUFF LIKE THIS??????
GOOD NEWS??? HATE??? HELL???
HELL!!!
JESUS LOVES YOU (BUT...)
thats not THE WAY thats a NO WAY!!!!
Back to Mari and her sinners prayer (another concept I’m still not so sure about, but that’s another story.)
In Mathew 28:19 Jesus tells his disciples to go into the nations and make more disciples and teach them...
Disciple: Somebody who believes in and follows the teachings of a leader...in other words a student, a scholar, a learner, a devotee...
To make a disciple, to teach somebody doesn’t mean you walk up to some random person and stuff it down his or her throat...
How are you being a teacher?
How is that person being a student?
(If he or she is offended by what you’re throwing in their faces)
Where is the relationship?
Jesus discipled through relationship!!! He didn’t hand out flyers or wore a stupid t-shirt or phoned people up...randomly,
We as the church, we as Christians should really stop puking our christianese on random passerby’s and walk away and think it’s okay...IT IS NOT OKAY!!
The term “Evangelism” (and what we think it means) doesn’t appear in the Bible once.
NOT ONCE!
Ministry is born out of intimacy...
Relationship with the Holy Spirit...
Relationship with other people...
No judgement, or superiority, or manipulation, or threats with hell...
LOVE, TIME, FRIENDSHIP, KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING
There is no such thing as an instant Christian...
People are not 2 minute noodles...
(yuck)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Identity Crisis Christ
I sat in the living room of my bestes budz the other day (on a very uncomfortable pink couch that often gets used for all kinds of werner & petri activities, yeah I went there:-) and I watched the movie "Talladega Nights"...since the dudes heard that I'd never seen the "ballad of Ricky Bobby" before they were pretty persistent on me watching it, and so, for the sake of our friendship (and my peace of mind) I agreed.
I must admit, It’s a pretty funny ride, but between the "shake & bake", the "if your not first your last", the "when I get up in the morning I piss excellence" philosophies, something else caught my attention...and it caught it good.
The scene happens around the dinner table, where the whole family and Cal (Ricky’s best buddy) folds their hands in prayer: “dear eight pound six ounce baby Jesus, in your golden fleece diapers...” Ricky starts too pray... its then when Carley, Ricky’s hot blonde wife, starts complaining about how weird and off-putting it is to pray to a baby, when she knows that Jesus was a full grown man with a beard...and this starts the wild and hilariously funny conversation where every person around the table including Walker and Texas Ranger, states their view of Jesus...
I was laughing my ass of at this point, when Cal (Ricky's best buddy) said:
“I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a tuxedo T-shirt, 'cause it says, like, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too." I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”
silence.
Don't misunderstand me, I wasn't offended at all, I was pulled into a new "reality." Cal said that he sees Jesus as a party animal because he himself is a party animal...he likes to party so he likes his Jesus to party...i do that too!!! I base the identity of Jesus on my likes and dislikes...I create Jesus as the dude that I would want to hang out with, the kind of guy i would like...I created God in my freaking image!!!!!!! My Jesus likes to party coz i like to party, damn!!!!!!!
After this “revealisation” (a new word i created to be a substitute for revelation...you may quote me on that ;-) i posted a question on my facebook status " what’s your image of Jesus?" and i got a pretty wide response (there were about 84 ish messages in my inbox.) Some said that they see Jesus as the blue eyed boy, others said they see him as a terrorist, a rockstar, a dude in jeanz, a rebel, a Goth, a knight, a hippie, a lion, a mental person, a preacher-ass-kicker, a hobo, a drinking buddy, a socialist, a bohemian, a husband and daddy (Dan Brown Style) a gay rights fighter and the list goes on and on and on and on...
Do you remember those rubber bands we use to wear as kids (maybe you still wear one today)...the WWJD bands...i had a purple one. What Would Jesus Do? Man, how simple that question used to be...how easy the sunday school teacher made the answer...it was either a "yes" or a "no"...a "yay" or a "nay" but now i find myself stuck in the "gray"...
The answer to the WWJD question is not as simple as the religious right made it out to be...Rockstar Jesus wants to do something completely different then lion Jesus or bearded Jesus or drinking buddy Jesus or gay-activist Jesus...eeeeesh!!!Before i can ask WWJD i should probably discover who Jesus really is...not who i've made him to be...who HE IS.
Matthew 16:15-17 Then he asked them, “But who do you say I am?” Simon Peter answered, ”You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”Jesus replied, ”You are blessed, Simon son of John, because my Father in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human being.”
YOU DID NOT LEARN THIS FROM ANY HUMAN BEING
I don't think i know the answer to WWJD coz i don't think i know the real Jesus, i only know what i, a puny human being, have created him to be...and thats not him.i cannot be taught who Jesus is by a church or a preacher or a teacher or a friend or a tele-evangelist *spit* or my mother or my father or my brothers...Jesus can only truthfully be revealed to me by...tamtamtam... Jesus
Relationship.
So, me personally, is heading on back to the drawing board (and this time He has the chalk)...and i desperately ask, no matter who You really are, and what that really means, and what You really would do, and what You really really reeeeally wanna use me for...no matter if it kills me
(and i have a feeling its going too)
WILL THE REAL JESUS PLEASE STAND UP
I must admit, It’s a pretty funny ride, but between the "shake & bake", the "if your not first your last", the "when I get up in the morning I piss excellence" philosophies, something else caught my attention...and it caught it good.
The scene happens around the dinner table, where the whole family and Cal (Ricky’s best buddy) folds their hands in prayer: “dear eight pound six ounce baby Jesus, in your golden fleece diapers...” Ricky starts too pray... its then when Carley, Ricky’s hot blonde wife, starts complaining about how weird and off-putting it is to pray to a baby, when she knows that Jesus was a full grown man with a beard...and this starts the wild and hilariously funny conversation where every person around the table including Walker and Texas Ranger, states their view of Jesus...
I was laughing my ass of at this point, when Cal (Ricky's best buddy) said:
“I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a tuxedo T-shirt, 'cause it says, like, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too." I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”
silence.
Don't misunderstand me, I wasn't offended at all, I was pulled into a new "reality." Cal said that he sees Jesus as a party animal because he himself is a party animal...he likes to party so he likes his Jesus to party...i do that too!!! I base the identity of Jesus on my likes and dislikes...I create Jesus as the dude that I would want to hang out with, the kind of guy i would like...I created God in my freaking image!!!!!!! My Jesus likes to party coz i like to party, damn!!!!!!!
After this “revealisation” (a new word i created to be a substitute for revelation...you may quote me on that ;-) i posted a question on my facebook status " what’s your image of Jesus?" and i got a pretty wide response (there were about 84 ish messages in my inbox.) Some said that they see Jesus as the blue eyed boy, others said they see him as a terrorist, a rockstar, a dude in jeanz, a rebel, a Goth, a knight, a hippie, a lion, a mental person, a preacher-ass-kicker, a hobo, a drinking buddy, a socialist, a bohemian, a husband and daddy (Dan Brown Style) a gay rights fighter and the list goes on and on and on and on...
Do you remember those rubber bands we use to wear as kids (maybe you still wear one today)...the WWJD bands...i had a purple one. What Would Jesus Do? Man, how simple that question used to be...how easy the sunday school teacher made the answer...it was either a "yes" or a "no"...a "yay" or a "nay" but now i find myself stuck in the "gray"...
The answer to the WWJD question is not as simple as the religious right made it out to be...Rockstar Jesus wants to do something completely different then lion Jesus or bearded Jesus or drinking buddy Jesus or gay-activist Jesus...eeeeesh!!!Before i can ask WWJD i should probably discover who Jesus really is...not who i've made him to be...who HE IS.
Matthew 16:15-17 Then he asked them, “But who do you say I am?” Simon Peter answered, ”You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”Jesus replied, ”You are blessed, Simon son of John, because my Father in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human being.”
YOU DID NOT LEARN THIS FROM ANY HUMAN BEING
I don't think i know the answer to WWJD coz i don't think i know the real Jesus, i only know what i, a puny human being, have created him to be...and thats not him.i cannot be taught who Jesus is by a church or a preacher or a teacher or a friend or a tele-evangelist *spit* or my mother or my father or my brothers...Jesus can only truthfully be revealed to me by...tamtamtam... Jesus
Relationship.
So, me personally, is heading on back to the drawing board (and this time He has the chalk)...and i desperately ask, no matter who You really are, and what that really means, and what You really would do, and what You really really reeeeally wanna use me for...no matter if it kills me
(and i have a feeling its going too)
WILL THE REAL JESUS PLEASE STAND UP
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